Making an informed decision while dating - why it’s important and how to do it!

Imagine buying a house based only on how it looks on the outside. You spent the time, money, mental and emotional energy on making this big purchase. You have fantasized about your future in this house and how wonderful things will be once you move in. You feel excited, hopeful, energized, even giddy! However, on move in day you open the front door and find the inside of the house to be in shambles. The interior is not what you expected. You wanted a 3 bedroom house so you could have your home office and a guest room. This house only has 2 bedrooms. The plumbing is leaking and needs to be fixed. The wallpaper is peeling and you think you spot black mold on the ceiling. You tell yourself you can live with these thing, you can fix them, it will be okay. You are still able to fantasize about your future in this house. You move in and get as comfortable as you can but things continue to fall apart. The dishwasher stops working. You need a new HVAC system in the middle of a St. Louis summer. Coming home now starts to feel like a burden. Your house is no longer your safe, calm space. You are resentful and angry. You are spending too much energy on trying to fix something that you really don't want. You question why you bought this house in the first place. If you had known it had all these issues, you would have made a different decision. You wished you would have taken your time to look inside, have an inspection, do research and had not rushed into this purchase just because the exterior looked nice.

Most people would agree this situation sounds like a pretty miserable experience. Others may question why you didn’t do your research and look inside the house first. 

Many people end up in similar predicaments but not with buying a house. What if instead of a house, this was a relationship. You let infatuation and fantasy commit to someone before you really knew them. You would end up in relationship that is not what you expected because you did not have all the information needed to make an informed decision. Making an informed decision means choosing an option based on thorough research, facts, and evidence rather than guesswork, impulsivity or emotion. An informed decision is using Wise Mind (DBT skill) considering our logic and emotion to make a wise decision that will benefit us in the long run. Emotions are temporary and fuel impulsivity. People may look perfect on the outside but their beliefs and behaviors don’t match our needs and wants. Once committed to someone, it can be harder to leave even when you know this isn’t the relationship for you. 

If you struggle with jumping into relationships too quickly, have a pattern of feeling blind-sighted when the honeymoon phase wears off or identify as someone who struggles with love addiction or codependency, you can benefit from implementing the behaviors and skills below while dating and before entering your next relationship.  

1. Identify what you want in a partner - It is nearly impossible to make an informed decision if we don’t know what we want or need. Make a list of what you want and need in a partner. This may include things like looks but should definitely include their personality, morals, values, goals, hobbies, etc. If these are the things you want or need, do you also embody these things? If you want an honest partner, are you honest? Keep this list handy when you start dating and ask questions to learn more about the person. It is completely acceptable to have non-negotiables. Maybe you want children and the other person does not. This is something that rarely changes and would be a reason to end dating this person. 

2. Set boundaries with your time  - Meeting someone that you are interested in can feel great! That is our body's way of building an attachment to someone. Chemicals like dopamine and oxytocin flood our system and we want more. These chemicals can impair our judgement and our prefrontal cortex (the area of our brain involved in decision making) isn’t always "online." There may be a desire to spend a lot of time with this new person. This can create a false sense of intimacy and knowledge. Same thing with texting or talking on the phone all the time. Humans are complex creatures and you cannot truly know someone in a few days, weeks or even months. Set limits with your time and dates. I recommend going on 1, maybe 2 dates a week for the first few months. Text and call when you have something to talk about or are setting up plans. Maintain the healthy relationships you already have and avoid canceling plans with friends and family to make more time for this new person.  

3. Be aware of unacceptable behavior or boundary crossing -  If the person you are getting to know does something that bothers you or crosses a boundary, say something. Set a time to talk and use gentle start up (Gottman). Share your feelings without criticizing them, Using “I statements” to share your feelings and your perception of what happened and let them know what you need or want instead of what happened. This may sound something like this: “I felt anxious when you were late to pick me up and didn’t call or text. I would really appreciate it if you let me know that you are running late so I can be aware of a change in schedule.” “You statements” are okay if you are describing the behavior but they become criticism when you attack someone’s character or tell them how they feel. An example of a criticism would be “I felt anxious when you were late to pick me up. You didn’t even care to let me know. You are so selfish. How could you do this to me?” This type of communication is usually not well received and isn’t solution focused. 

You are learning about each other and are going to make mistakes. With that being said, abusive or controlling behavior is never okay. Abusive words or actions are a cause for concern and ending the interactions sooner than later may need to be considered.

These are just a few things that can help you gain more information and knowledge about your potential new partner. Check in with yourself and how you feel when you have more information about who they are and how they behave. After a few dates you may realize, they are not someone you want to pursue a relationship with and that is totally fine! Communicate that with them so you can both move on. Ghosting is not kind or fair. Making an informed decision takes information and time. That doesn't happen overnight.

If you are ready to explore how to create lasting change in yourself and your relationships, reach out for support or to schedule a consultation for therapy.